February 21st, 2008

I meant to update the site earlier than this.  My plan was to post a 'video log' (VLOG?) as I picked up an inexpensive webcam.  It seems to work pretty well, but then I had to consider what I was going to say, how I was going to look, and still felt I should have a prepared script or outline so I didn't just sit there and say 'um'.

I got the webcam, so that when I'm in Thailand, I can video chat with people through MSN messenger (feel free to download that and add me to your list - my id for MSN is just leann@bauerville.com).  The idea is that if we're online, you can right click my name, and choose 'video' and we'll chat and see each other :)  Along the same lines I installed a Ventrilo server on my network.  On my links page there is a link to download the ventrillo client (for PC anyway, visit ventrilo.com for the mac version).  You'll also want to pick up a headset or other microphone.  The webcam I got also has a mic, so if you just got one of those, you'd be all set.  Headsets can be had for $20.  Anyway, run the software, and connect to my server address at bauerville.com, and you'll log into a voice chat room, where everyone who is logged in can chat.  I plan on being logged in when I'm home in the evenings and will probably be on most the time in Thailand.  I thought it'd be a fun and inexpensive way to communicate.

But anyway, lately I'm not happy enough to feel like doing a 'vlog'.  Lately I've continued counseling for myself on other issues, and finding it very hard to deal with.  I'm trying to put some things behind me so I can move forward in my life, but it's not easy.  That seems to be the whole theme of my life anymore.  I really want to move on, get better, and be happy, but none of that can really happen until I go through not only physical pain (electro, laser, surgeries) but emotional distress as well. 

One thing I'll share, and it probably comes as no surprise, but I really hate that I had to be trans.  I know everyone has problems and flaws with their life.  Some people are handicapped, and that sucks too.  Anytime I heard a story about a child who was going through gender dysphoria, my heart would really go out to them, and I could feel how horrible it must be for that kid.  Yet until recently, I never felt all that bad for myself.  I've always been a 'tough' person who can deal with things.  But now I feel how horrible it is for me too.   I wish I didn't have to deal with it.  Oh well, I guess everyone deals with something.

On a brighter note, plans for Thailand are all set, with just a couple details to confirm.  Everything is in place, and I'm just about down to the packing.  Of course, I'm not going anywhere for 12 weeks and 2 days yet.  It is something I have to look forward too (but of course, recovering from breast augmentation, and getting back on my feet is going to be more pain and suffering - note my theme above).  I can't wait until I'm back.  We're having a family reunion a few weeks after I get back, and I'm hoping to be in fine shape by then.