February 29th, 2008

Wow! I went to audition for the musical 'Tommy' last night at a community theatre, and had a quite an experience.  I've been planning on the audition for a long time, and of course was nervous about using my voice for singing.  But once it was time to go, I had it in my head, that I'd be fine because most theatre people I've ever met have been open and accepting people, so even if it became apparent I didn't quite have a female voice, I'd be Ok.  If nothing else, I'd have a good experience at trying to be more outgoing, and seeing what I can do.

Most auditions will have you read some lines with other people, sing a simple song if it's a musical, and have you try to learn to dance steps with a group.  A more formal audition will have you perform prepared material.  They called this a 'group audition', where we all did the same thing more or less at the same time.  There were about 20 of us, and the first task we were given (after getting all of us to sit on the floor in a circle) was to think of something that we experienced that day that somehow relates to the phrase 'See me, feel me, touch me, heal me' from the musical.  The director had already given us a background on the story, and explained the themes of the musical.  So going around the circle, we were to introduce ourselves and say a few things about us, and relate whatever happened to us that day that might apply to the musical's themes.

I came up with some cutesy, lame thing to say about the kitty cats at home, but from the first person to speak, it was clear these people were really deep and opening themselves up to the group.  Fortunately, I got to go last.  The second person to go, was a larger lady with a big chest (you can imagine the type).  First thing she says..."in case you haven't already figured it out, I'm a female impersonator".  Heck, that was more than an impersonation!  I talked to her at the end of the evening, and she has been fully transitioned for a while, and no I didn't guess she was, even though she's like 6'4" tall (she does have like DD size chest).  No one in the group seemed to bat an eye, and it was clear up to that point, she knew some of the other people there and got along just fine with them.  So as we go around the room, we have people talking about their hectic lives, and what it means for them just to get out there and audition.  I don't mean some fake sounding brown nosing about why they want to be in a play - this was heart felt emotions from people who really needed some kind of outlet, or place to be expressive, or in some way, reconnect with themselves.  A few people broke down crying as they spoke about how they felt about their lives.  About half way through, it was clear this was about identical to group therapy.  So as it came closer to my turn, I decided I needed to be a bit more real than some kitty story, and thought I could still stay in 'stealth' mode while talking about things.

But as it came to my turn, I decided to take a giant leap, and reveal that I'm transitioning.  I started out explaining that the concept of Tommy going through life deaf, dumb & blind kind of mirrored my existence on some level as well.  I'm fairly sure none of them suspected I used to live as a man, so I'm sure it surprised them when I told them I'd been transitioning for a year now.  I seemed to me, that through this show, I can learn to sing, move and just generally become more comfortable with myself, and come out of my shell.  The more I think about it, the more I can compare my life to 'Tommy'. 

So everyone was fine with it, and now we have 2 trans actresses out of 20 people, so it was nice to think we represented a whopping 10% of the population.  At this point, everyone was of the same feeling that we all shared an emotional experience with each other, and felt much more comfortable with each other.  We preceded to all sing as a group, and dance as a group.  At the end of the night, we all had to sing and 'perform' a bit of a song we'd been practicing.  By this time, it was easy enough to forget about trying to ensure I look/sound female, and did the best I could with the voice I have.  I have no idea what that must have looked and sounded like, but I figured if I do the show, I'd learn allot about how to blend in better while relaxing and being myself.

I do have some conflicts with the rehearsal and performance schedule, and just want to have some minor role in the group.  So it will be quite an experience if they decide to work with me on it.  But even if they don't, I'm very glad I auditioned, and I'm sure I will again in the future.