March 28th, 2008

Only 7 more weeks until I leave for Thailand.  Of course I'm counting the weeks, but I count down each Saturday and Wednesday - so this Saturday it's 7 weeks until I leave, then next Wednesday, I'll be thinking 7 weeks to the operation!  I admit to being more nervous about this than FFS (or does it just seem that way).  FFS went very well and every stage & symptom along the way was as Dr. Ousterhout described it.  I'm doing what I can to prepare - I'm doing a lot of aerobic excercise on an indoor bike, and playing soccer & volleyball.  My heart rate is noticably improving, and I'm hoping that all this will help me heal faster from surgery (and keep my weight down).

I've been busier at work, which I'd anticipated, but kind of hoped that it would be a distraction from contemplating my Thailand trip, but all that's happened is now I'm busy at work, thinking about the trip, and I've got several things to deal with in my personal life.  I feel overwhelmed and want to just sleep.  I don't feel depressed, just exhausted mentally and physically.  I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel though, as I keep plodding foward with all the things I'm dealing with.

Anyway, the reason for my blog today was to be able to talk about me.  I have my monthly Trans Family meetings, and I have another therapy group that meets weekly, but in those settings it's not all about me, it's about every one there, and I just want to focus on myself for a moment.

(Leann pauses now, and can't remember what she wanted to say)...

Transitioning, Surgery, feeling comfortable with myself & my body, my self image, what do I need, what I am I worried about....Yeah, these are things that have really bounced around my head lately.  I had always felt ashamed of my true self and until I understood my condition, had no idea what to do about it.  The "cure" for me does seem to be transitioning, and I feel so much better about my life and my future and hope to make everyone else's life around me a bit better as well.  But that wasn't so much the reason for transition.  I suppose enough therapy for anyone might get them to accept themself and be happy and be a good person.  Therapy alone was not going to get me to that point, as what I needed was the actual physical transition.  Keep in mind, every trans person needs to deal with their condition differently and we all don't need the same things.  Gender is more of a spectrum than we frequently think - including us trans people!  Gender expression is one thing.  Regardless of one's physical gender, we can all dress and behave in a variety of ways that can be deemed masculine or feminine.  Physical transition isn't required for me to express myself, although it does help me 'pass' and not create a stir or make people uncomfortable.  I think sometimes, the ability to pass which we so often strive for in the T-Community is viewed as the goal of transition.  To be able to be ourselves and have society accept us.  Yes, passing, the holy grail of transgenders.

Of course, if that was it, then it'd be easy to claim that now that I pass, nothing further is needed.  I can even look back at my FFS and do recall that for the most part, I passed before that surgery.  So the argument could have been made none of that was required.  However, after FFS and seeing my results, and looking at myself in the mirror every day has made me feel so much better about my self than I can describe to someone who already feels just fine with their face.  I don't think I've been 'clocked' since my operation and that helps me feel good about myself too, but with or without societies acceptance of me - it still benefited ME.  So it's not about trying to pass, so much as it is being comfortable in my own skin.

So breast augmentation - again that uniquely feminine body part that clearly shows that your female.  Will it help me look more convincing?  Sure, but it's not for everyone else, it's for me so I can stop whinning about my really small breasts.  Something that can't develop well enough on it's own.  I'll feel better and I don't need the general public to agree or disagree with me on the need for it.  It's not about passing, it's about being happy with my own body - which is not a concept to be taken lightly.  If you're not trans, it's hard to convey that feeling to you - being mismatched.  Aside from telling you to consider how you'd feel if you had to transition.  This would make you very uncomfortable with yourself, what you see and feel and how others perceive you.  But at least you'd know why you feel that way - you're in the wrong body.  Many trans people know from early on that they're in the wrong sexed body.  I only knew early on that something wasn't right, or more specifically, something about me was wrong.  Now live like that for 4 decades and you can get an idea of my perspective.

GRS surgery - this is pretty much the big item.  More than any other surgery, this will have so much impact on myself, much more so than anyone else.  The other physical changes have been all about appearance, but no one but myself is going to notice my genitals (accepting any future relationships of course).  If this were all about 'passing' this is one surgery that just plain isn't needed.  I guess in a way this proves it to me, that I'm not a cross dresser and it's not about how I look or how others perceive me.  It's ALL about how I perceive me and what I'm comfortable with.  So for me, if I could have only one surgery - this would have been it.