March 28th

Part II

So you might think I'm completely happy about the upcoming surgery and charging full steam ahead and can't wait.  Well, if you know me personally I'm sure I've given you that impression and for the most part it's true.  But as the date is drawing near, I wanted to express my concerns about it.  It's not going to change what's going on, but I need to come to grips with what's going on.  First, all be glad to not have the male genitals hanging down.  I'm sure all the men out there find that an appalling thought, but I'd think the women could be thinking how much they'd hate having them on their own bodies.  But it's not just as simple as a reconfiguration of the tissues.  It also means dilation for life, and particularly for the first year.  I'm Ok with that, and I'll spare you some further rationalizations about it, but suffice to say, it feels like a rite of passage into womanhood.  So what I'm really anticipating here, is my own actual acceptance of my body as female!!

So to me, it will indeed feel like new territory, and an existence I can only imagine for now.  For most people, puberty is a gradual process.  Mine has been accelerated over a year and culminating with an actual event.  True, hormones will continue to play their part, and socialization as a woman in society will go on.  But at least I'll feel like myself - which is odd considering I don't really know how that's really going to feel.  Eh, ponder that one awhile ;)

So I'm done then right?.....ok, maybe not.  Yes, I'll have the right female parts but I'm still struggling with my voice.  Yes, I do pass, and I can even pass on the phone as having a feminine voice.  But that's not an 'always' thing, and this is not about passing.  I am not comfortable with it, and even though I've practiced alot, I can't always get it there.  At work or any involved conversation my voice drops.  I really have to concentrate on the voice thing, and even then, I feel shakey with it.  I can't always call it up on command.  So what can I do?

Well, I can keep practicing and I'm sure I'll get better.  But how long and will I ever get to what I feel comfortable with?  I really do want a higher pitch and feel I can perform the other aspects of voice modulation.  It seems to me that my main problem is not being able to start a pitch I want.  If I concentrate on pitch, I mess up the quality.  If I concentrate on quality, the pitch is too low.  Either way I don't like it.  So that brings me to yet one more surgical possibility - voice surgery.

I know I've gone back and forth over this and I do have an opportunity to have a consultation with a Thai doctor who has a procedure he's been doing for 10 years, and it's basically the same thing Dr. Thomas does here in Portland, OR. (I've mentioned him before).  In fact, Dr. Thomas got the procedure from this guy.  (Dr. Somyos Kunachak)

A consultation is a good idea certainly, but I also know myself enough that once I get in there and talk to the guy, my "carpe' diem" is likely to kick in and I'll have him do it while I'm out there.  I guess that worries me, because unlike GRS, BA, and even FFS, the results are not consistent and reliable.  Even with good results, I won't reach my 'final' voice for a year or so, and when I'd come back from this trip, I'd have a pretty soft voice, and would not be using it much.  Yes, it's also alot to have done in one short span of time.  But I'd have it all done, where the costs are cheaper, and qualified surgeons to do the work.  And I can quit complaining about it.  Or.. I'd regret it, and be have revisions done every so often to try and improve it.  So that's my real concern - not that it'd be alot to recover from at once, but what if it didn't work well?  I guess a consultation might put me at ease, but I'm sure they'll tell me it will at least be better than what I have.

So now I put all this stuff together in my little head (along with everything else going on in my life) and I feel a bit worn out mentally.  Then I start thinking that perhaps I'll never really be satisfied with body.  Do I then sink into depression knowing that I'll never achieve my goal of transitioning?  Would it have been better (or just the same) to have not figured out my trans issues?  I do know where I was headed before I got counseling for this was depression, and lots of alcohol.  It's hard to say where that would have led, but I can't imagine that combination would have made me a good person and certainly never a happy one.

Some people have commented that their concern is that I'll just be going from one procedure to another, and never being finished.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not in this for the surgery or getting prescriptions for Vicodin.  I think there are two separate things here.  One is the physical modifications which I suppose could continue for years making one tweak or revision or another.  The other is how do I feel about my own body.  Note, I'm not even addressing how well I'm accepted into society or with family and friends.  It's already clear to me I have family, frieds, and a place in the community, which I never would have had if I didn't transition.  For now, I'm 'happy' with how my transition has proceded.  I would not want to stop now, as the GRS & BA are important to me.  Even if I never am fully comfortable with my body, I do like it better than what I had.  I guess the whole voice surgery question has me flip flopping alot right now, and I'm trying to reason out not only what I should do, but how to cope with either decision.

I was tempted to ask for opinions about that, but realized it's not about what anyone else thinks.  This has always been about my self perception, and no one else can know how I feel about myself, (or anyone other than them selves of course).  So I guess I'm stuck pondering this one until I get there.