May 18th, 2008

I'm here at Heathrow airport in London, and without internet connectivity, and limited battery life.  I've pieced together 3 hours of sleep since I left, and have 2 hours yet until boarding for Thailand.  I didn't think about grabbing the adapter for electric outlets in the UK, and don't feel like spending for an internet service for the few hours I'm here. 

Anyway, I do have time and power to type.  It just amazes me at the diversity of people.   Just hang around an international airport, and the clothing, languages, and customs that one sees, really brings home the concept that there are many different ways to live a life!  I'd mentioned on my video logs, that I'd watched a few movies that got me contemplating my life, and what I'm doing.  It's almost overwhelming what's going on right now, and wished I had a traveling companion who knew what I was going through right now.  It's not that I'm lonely, or ,worried about my safety or anything basic like that.  But there is so much that goes through my mind and things I'd like to talk about.  I'm sure I'll have people to talk to at the hotel, and that will be good for me. 

I tried to get an idea out there, that I felt a bit self absorbed with all this and that maybe I could be putting more effort into helping others.  Maybe it's just a reflexive response to doing something so focused on me, that I find myself a bit uncomfortable with it.  I know I went through a very similar situation with FFS last Fall, but this is just different.   FFS changed what every one else saw, not how I feel about my body.  Oh sure, the change in appearance and what I saw in the mirror with my new face was a huge confidence booster, but I only look in the mirror so often, and I'm a model or anything like that - just a convincing looking woman.  GRS & BA (breast augmentation) are things that I'm going to notice every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  I often forget about the FFS.  I know I want these procedures done, and know that next time I pass through this airport, I'll be excited and happy about coming back as a new 'me'.  However for now, I'm already dreading sitting by the window for 12 hours in a plane.  I barely made it for 6 hours before I could get out of my seat to stretch on the last flight.  I had to keep shifting my body to be comfortable.  So I'm supposed to be bed ridden for 5 days after surgery, always flat on my back and not moving, as my legs will be set in a position so I don't damage any of the doctors delicate work?  People who have already been through this often talk about back pain, and mattresses that are too hard, and I just heard from my room mate that they don't really like to dispense pain medication.  I guess in the US, we're wimps or something and pass out the pain meds like candy.  whatever.  I'm going to ask about that up front with the doctor.  I sure as heck don't want to be laying in pain for days, counting down minutes until I might be out of the hospital and feeling better.

So yeah, I'm looking at over a week of being uncomfortable, in pain, and out of sync.  Oh joy.

Anyway, most of the people who've written about their travel experiences over here or just being post op, about at least one instance of just breaking down and crying at the thought of it all.  Yes, it's a happy set of tears, but still nervous and scared at the same time.  I keep wondering when my moment may hit - I've lost count of the times I was able to hold it back and control myself.  It was hard saying good bye at the restaurant after breakfast.  All of the goodbyes in fact were hard.  I saw so many people over the last week, and everyone wishes me well, and offers to be there if I need anything.  You're all awesome people, so I tell myself I need to concentrate on recovery so that I don't let anyone down. 

I'm suppose if my blogs were supposed to be an English essay for school, it'd get a bad grade because my themes are not well developed and they don't flow very well.  But then again, I guess it acurately reflects how my mind just jumps from one thing to another.  This kind of experience will do that do a person. 

Thanks for the good wishes, and while I may not be online as much as I'd hoped and it might be a couple weeks before many people even have contact with me, please remember that you are all in my thoughts as well, and I'll want to hear how you're doing in your life too.  Ok, next blog will likely come from Bangkok!  maybe 16 hours or so from now, I'll get to settle into my hotel room.