July 29th, 2007

I had a pretty good weekend, which started off watching a show some friends of mine that one of them had taped about how someone transitioned and how the family was handling it.  It did have a bit showing my FFS doctor, Dr. Ousterhout so that was neat.  We ended up pausing the show at almost every commercial and we talked amongst ourselves about the show and other related trans topics.  I  then saw 'TransAmerica' for the first time, and thought it was a good movie too.  I can't wait until the movies I ordered come in.

I've been jogging about a mile each morning, but skipped that on Saturday in favor of playing tennis with another friend.  I find that a lot easier to take than running.  It's more engaging to put out physical effort when there is a game behind it.  The rest of the day was quite a bit to handle.  I talked with the father of my son's best friend about my transition.  His son is over at our house frequently, and he should be aware.  Of course it was a surprise, and I'm not sure what all he and his wife thought of it or even if they talked to their son yet.  But on Sunday, he was over visiting my son again, so at least that means the parents are Ok with him still coming over. 

I had 2 parties to attend in the evening, one where it wouldn't have been appropriate to be presenting as Leann, and they other where I would.  The first party was with some friends I've known for a long time and some other friends/relatives of the hostess who've not met me.  It was interesting to say the least for me.  I was about the first one there, so got introduced to everyone.  An older couple came in, and I told them my name was Leann.  They were stumbling over what I'd said, as if they weren't sure ...'Lee what?' was sort of the reaction, trying to think of what guy name I must be saying.  After repeating it a couple times the reaction was sort of 'Oh...Ok'.   I was not wearing make up but had shorts on and my clothes were women's, but somewhat gender neutral.  I did have a bracelet on and a thin silver necklace.  My legs are shaved and my hair is getting close to the base of my neck and feminine in style.  So there are certainly indicators that state my gender, but again my face is a give away still (can't wait for FFS).  My upper body still shows some muscles too, so I guess without the makeup & other obvious feminine markers I still appear male.  Another lady who'd met me at a previous party a month ago introduced me to her friends as 'Neal'.  One of them didn't quite catch the name and asked me again what it was.  Well, not wanting to say Neal, and knowing I'd already told people I'm Leann I found myself fumbling for a good answer to make it easy to understand.  I don't really want to make it a big deal every time, so I don't just go boasting about.  Anyway, she could see I was having trouble with an answer and she asked, 'What would you like to be called', and then I could tell her.  So for the rest of the party it was easy enough to just be Leann, even though I still appeared as male to everyone.  I did have some conversations about it with people, but fortunately most talk was about other things.  Ironicallly, that older gentleman I met first was named 'Neal'.  At one point I was sitting next to him when someone asked him, "Neal, would you like another beer?".  I answered out of habit, then realized they weren't talking to me.  Luckily I don't think anyone caught me answering.  (Oh, and for the record, my answer was 'no thanks'.  I have to keep in mind I can't hold as much alcohol as I used to now that I've lost weight).

The hostess of the party graciously agreed to let me change at her house for the transgender party I was going to next.  But in doing my makeup I got a bit nervous, because I knew it'd be the first time a couple good supportive friends were going to see me 'en femme' and I wanted to look good.  I got flustered with my blush and called her in for help.  They fixed up my blush and my eyes too and it came out well.

Now the transgender party was certainly an eye opener for me.  I've been used to the TransFamily support group which seems to be primarily those actually transitioning because they're in the wrong body.  As you may be aware, there are cross dressers who are generally men who like to dress up in women's clothes, but still feel they are male and dressing is more of a fun activity or sexual turn on and a way they like to express themselves from time to time.  Despite the apparent similarity to transsexuals like myself, there is a world of difference in behaviors and outlooks of these two groups.  Please don't misinterpret me- these are very nice people and fun to be around and share a common cause of needing to be accepted.  But it really re-enforced for me the fact that I am a woman, and not just a cross dresser.  Heading out to a trans friendly bar once a week and is not my idea of being.  There was also a lot of talk about sex, which they clearly have on their minds.  Again, nothing wrong with that, it's just not me.  As an aside, now that my testosterone count is way down, I'm blissfully not feeling the urges men get for sex.  It's certainly not something that crosses my mind very much anymore.  No, I don't feel its a case of the hormones making me feel that way, I've always tried to put it out of my mind.  As I think about that, perhaps that is one of the biggest challenges I've had to deal with for a lifetime.  Sure, on one hand sex is enjoyable, but I never wanted it to run my life or make me look at people that way all the time.  

So anyway, I did have a good time, and I thought it very educational to know how 'the other half' lives.  As I try to help support others, it will help me discern whether someone needs it because they are really a cross dresser, or they are an actual transsexual.    Again, they have the same problem of acceptance with society that transsexuals face, so we do need to be united on that front.