August 31st, 2007

I'm sorry it's been a week since I've said anything new here.  In some ways, I don't have much new to say other than that most things are going quite well for me.  I'm finishing up my 2nd week of work presenting as Leann, and have been living that way since August 10th.  I've received a lot of support and encouragement from many of my coworkers, and have had no issues with those who call up asking to speak with 'Neal'.  I answer the phone saying 'This is Leann, can I help you?', and they state they're looking for Neal.  I just tell them that would be me and that I've had a name change.  The conversation goes right on without missing a beat from there.  I don't know what they might think, but it doesn't seem to matter.

Those around me continue to adjust, and while I can't be sure who's still uncomfortable, I can tell that I get called 'Leann' almost all the time, and usually the correct pronouns are used.    I'm now changing all my accounts to 'Leann', including my bank accounts and credit cards.  My credit card 'outed' me last weekend because I signed my bill at the restaurant as 'Leann', which made the server curious and she came asking about it.  She was more curious than anything else and probably just needed to verify the charge as I hadn't used the same name as the card showed.  Anyway, there's a lot of places to change my name, and I'm also getting my school records changed to reflect that (college & high school) so that if people need to check into my past, they'll see the same name.

So I feel great about everything going on.  Well, except that I've done my share of crying this past week because not everyone is quite ready for this change and perhaps still question it.  The closer people are to you, the more this can affect them.  They feel they are losing a dear friend/relative and consider that person essentially dead.  There is a sense of betrayal in that they feel they've been lied to or just not trusted enough to know about my issues.  It is hard on others, and I understand that  I've tried to make changes gradually, but as I've mentioned before, it's tough to keep adjusting to those who don't see me as frequently, and miss out on some steps. 

Because work is of course, a very important part of my life, I centered the pace of change around there.  Once it became apparant that my 'in between' status was more confusing and uncomfortable than if I'd just made the switch already, is what convinced me the time was right.  So that's what I did, and I still feel we did this at the right time.  However, most of my relatives have not even seen any changes since they last saw me, and others who've not seen much of me will certainly be apprehensive when finally meeting me again.

So if you're one of those out there having trouble with this, please find a way to talk to me about it.  I don't wish to cut any ties or shut any doors and I understand I may have to be patient for some time until you're ready to see me again.