August 2nd, 2007

I guess I was having an 'emotional' day earlier this week.  I was told I was really being hard on my appearance as I chatted with a friend about how bad I looked and amazed that everyone is humoring me when it's so obvious I don't look like a woman.  I still feel that's true, but I guess I'll drop the paranoia for now, because people do seem to allow I might be female.  I was in a restaurant and the hostess asked 'Maam, are you picking up or waiting to be seated'.  Ok, my back was turned at the time, so great - I can be read as female from behind.  I'll take that.  Fortunately, the hostess did not feel compelled to correct herself from addressing me as 'maam' when I turned around.  I've had that a couple times - 'Excuse me Maam (I look directly at them) oh, uh, Sir" is kind of how it goes.  I don't get that when I'm more obviously presenting, but I'm sure most people will just assume I'm a guy when I'm without makeup & skirts.  My hair does make them think female from a distance at least.

I look at pictures of myself and can't believe anyone is seeing a woman.  I look terrible.  (Ok, there I go again).  This is why the FFS is so important to me.  I know all the parts of my face that read male, and they really, really stick out.  I can add breast forms, and dress to cover or accentuate certain things about my body, and voice wise, I'm not too far off the mark, but one look at my face and it's just too male and throws everything off.

Keep in mind my goal is to blend in.  I'm not trying to be an advocate for transsexuals or make some public statement about the way I look.  I'm striving for a 'normal' appearance.  Anyway, I did feel better getting 'maam-ed' again.  It really isn't much fun being in-between looks right now and it's going to continue to bug me until I can easily pass.