November 30th, 2007

It's been one year to the day when I first went to see my psychologist about my gender dysphoria.  Yes, I find it amazing how much has changed in one year!

So last year at this time, I was depressed, at the end of my mental rope, and ready to finally talk.  After months of literally going to bed and waking up with the same thought "I just wish I were a woman" and frequently accompanying that thought with tears.   I had to make a leap from my 'safe' world of secrets and risk losing everything.  Even though I'd periodically search the internet for some idea of what to do with myself, I never found anything that made sense to me.  However this time, I found a site that talked about gender identity and there were many people that had joined the site.  Alot of what was posted started clicking in my head, so I made an appointment with one of the recommended psychologists on the web site.  The date of that appointment was November 30th, 2006 and I kind of view this as the start of being 'me'.  Before then, I didn't understand gender identity and was filled with shame and self loathing.  My psychologist had one assignment for me - start loving yourself.  It was never a question of 'what do these feelings mean'.  From the time I went in, I knew I wanted to be a woman but didn't know how that could really happen for me.  I was not told how to transition.  99% of what I learned about transitioning I got from the internet or my support group.  The significant contribution from my psychology sessions, was that I accept who I am, and learn to love myself.  Once I could do that, it was all just a matter of how to tell everyone, and how to physically make transition happen.

So November 30th - a day of self realization that I can exist - will be remembered by me.