December 18th, 2007

I'm in much better spirits now that I'm concentrating on my family & friends & work.  There are other aspects of my life where I wish I performed better or that I handled things in a more effective way.  I find the more I simply accept my personality and my own little quirks, that I'm happier, and my life seems to function just a bit better when I 'lighten up' on myself.   So my message here is that perhaps I shouldn't be trying to “make” myself a better person, I should just try to be the best 'me' I can be.  "I" don't always handle things how others would, and sometimes my methods might not make much sense to someone else.  Sometimes I worry what someone else would think - and that's the kind of thinking that kept me in the closet all my life.  If I just be myself, and do what I do best and be happy with that, lately I’m finding the issues and tasks in my life all seem to resolve, which in turn makes me feel much better about myself.  So the better I feel about myself, the better person I become, and everyone benefits.   Kind of makes too much sense, like 'duh'!

I know that doesn't appear to relate to my transition, which is the purpose of this site.  I really don't intend to just put up a daily diary about my life.  I actually prefer to keep my day-to-day life fairly private.  It may seem like I've shared alot in my blogs, but it's all stuff that somehow relates to my transition.  I'd like to point out that my transition is really more at a stage where it's mostly internal changes about how I view myself & how I want to live my life.  Things are now possible because I feel closer to physically being who I've always wished I was.  I don't know what it's like to live your whole life without question of gender identity.  I suppose it's something most people take for granted.  To actually feel correct in my own body, is actually allowing me to be free to express myself, and actually love myself.  Life isn't the uphill battle it used to be.

I am contemplating what items I should keep posting about.  I don't feel any need to share the latest clothes I bought or every little encounter I have that's gender-related.  I feel I'm past that point in transitioning, and I tend to believe that there really will be an end point to the physical side of this, and everything after that is just living life and continuing a journey like everyone else is.   At some point, I will no longer be a 'trans woman' - I'll just be a woman.

Anyway, I'm enjoying my holiday season, and hope everyone else is too!