A: I've seen a few letters on the Internet, where friends told their younger relatives/child(ren) about their transitioning, and hoped to just link my answer to this question.  However, I didn't find what I felt to be clear and concise advice for people who want to tell their own children, who also know me (as Neal) about my transition.

I decided that I need to formulate my own guidelines for you.  Of course, you know your child best and I know you will use your best judgment when approaching this.  If your child is likely to have contact with me, or already knows me, I do suggest telling them as soon possible (just in case they run into me as Leann).  You may feel you're shielding or protecting them by not telling them – however I think in the long-run, it’s best for your child to talk to him/her about my transition. I think it will teach your child to accept people for who they are (inside and out). 

First, you need to have a positive and open attitude when you begin the discussion about my transition, so they will have a positive attitude also. 

Second, remember, they are kids who have not developed life-long stereotypes that we have.  Younger people are much more likely to accept new ideas and allow change in their lives.  Chances are good, their reaction will be along the lines of 'Oh wow, really?  Something will probably happen in your kid’s life soon after you talk to them, and then my transition will be just plain old news!

So hopefully you are mentally prepared to talk to them.  I think the main issue to convey, is that the gender my body has, does not match the gender my brain has.  You can explain that I've had to deal with this issue all my life because I felt I had to, and now that I know my brain does not match my body, I knew had to do something about.  You can say that doctors are helping me make my life better -- so I can be myself and be happy. 

You should point out that you still care about me, want to support me through the transition and of course, that I still care about you and that I'm still your friend. I would make certain that your child knows that you would be my friend whether I was male or female.  Again, you know your child best, but you could always present it like this:  “If Neal was born with no arms, he would still be my friend”.  These are all points that kids can understand.  The most important aspect of all is to stress that I am still your friend and that my transition does not change your friendship with me. 

I understand that starting the discussion may be awkward.  You might wish to start a discussion about how some people have to cope with various problems, and gently ease into the subject OR you may just want to tell your child that you want to talk about your friend Neal.  ‘He’s going through some changes he feels he must make, and will become a woman’, might do for a ‘dive right in’ approach.   I would emphasize to your child that “Neal’s transition” ONLY affects a very small part of the population.  Once that part is clear you can explain that I'm going through a long procedure to change my outside to match my inside.  Try to avoid going into the science & psychology behind it.  That will only make it harder to explain. 

I am sure questions will come up, and it would be good to address those questions as they come up (assuming you know the answer).  If you don't know an answer just be truthful and tell your child that you don't know, but that you will talk to me and find out the answer.  Kids will most likely have very practical questions – I’m certain you will do your best to respond to them.   At some point you can then tell them that they should be accepting of people even though they have differences that seem unusual.

You can mention that as my friend you want me be happy – inside and out.  By this time, the groundwork has been laid, so telling them that Neal will now be known as Leann should be much easier.  (Wondering what my new name will be will probably be the first question your child asks.)  Depending on their age and reaction, you may wish to show them this site.  (Gosh, I think it's all fairly PG).  But make sure you're on-hand to explain things.  If your child has additional questions you can't answer, I'd be open to talking to them.  It could be through email, or other anonymous question to the site, or in person.

After most of the discussion, you can relate that over the next couple years, I'll be looking more and more like a woman, and presenting myself appropriately in the way I dress, act, and talk.  You could also mention, depending on the child’s maturity, that s/he will most likely meet other trans people as they get older, and whereas some of their peers will be very confused about how/why a person transitions, they will have a more “mature” understanding. This will make the child feel grown-up, and happy that the parent has entrusted them with this information. 

I guess I've kind of made it a goal to be an educator and guide for people to learn about trans people, and to help those going through it themselves.  Not that I know it all, or anything much really.  I just know my corner of the world, but happy to share that with you!